you discussed me

back ?

I had some good self-talk today. And it makes me think I should come back here. Ironically/terribly/sadly/gladly I’ll likely be taking up the same old same old as before (kids? jobs?), albeit with a bit of a different take–it’s two years later (more?). still no kids (some developments, though, which I may or may not share) and time again to find a new job.

Whereas before this was an exercise in writing that became (perhaps unconsciously) an exercise in self-exploration (therap-me) by accident, I think I’m coming back entirely (or hopefully) for the latter. So maybe if it wasn’t a form of therapy/counseling before, that’s what I’m looking for now. 

I need to talk to me about me to suss out what it is I want and who it is I am (now/today), at yet another junction/juncture in my life. (I think that last slash/split is more about me not knowing which is the proper word to use, as opposed to creating a hip catch-all.)

As much as I’ve been here before,  I haven’t been here before, and hopefully I’ll be able to explain what I mean by that over the next few weeks/months–assuming I come back for real… or at all.

For now (and this has to be it for now, because one small part of my coming back here right this second is about procrastinating [I should be applying for jobs]. Another part is about me needing an outlet for the caffeine mania that drinking coffee induces [I’m a newb to coffee drinking and believe me when I tell you: it is a drug!]), I want to say that I think, as a result of my self-talk this morning, I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I want, specifically in terms of a job, and I hope that I’m on to something, and that it’s something true and ultimately helpful.

Without turning this into a full-on post, but in the interest of getting it down before I forget, I think that I need to

unlearn the job hierarchy I’ve been socialized into seeing/believing (admin positions are lowly; ideas positions are to be coveted/celebrated; if you’re a smart cookie you should have [or want] the latter);

try to believe that there can be a balance between wanting it all/not wanting to be under-sold/under-valued, while still accepting that this (in the scope of my life and work) is still early days (aka just because I’m a sharp cookie, doesn’t mean that I’m not still a [relatively] new cookie);

really, truly interrogate my strengths and what makes me happy, so that I can value these things and find the best match for them;

be patient (but not be apathetic)

(confirm that I know what apathetic means);

explore more and other “lessons” (and more about the above).

I think this is a corner, or a mountain top, or a valley, or a plateau. I think it is something. Maybe something mundane (god I hope these “revelations” aren’t the EXACT same as the last time around*). Maybe something beautiful (as nature-y things can’t help but be, even as [only] metaphors). But I think it’s something.

* Don’t some people think life is a spiral, or a circle. Roundabout? Isn’t that better?