Short vacation post #2
I am here, in the city, in between trips to the cottage, taking care of some business (hence the post—because to me blogging is business).
The research part of my research job is done (all that’s left now is printing and meeting for the last time) and it feels great;
I have a month before I have to start thinking of tutoring again;
I’ve almost wrapped work on this issue of Shameless (and I’m hoping the reviews list for next issue will come together pretty quick during the evenings, now that I don’t have to be researching!);
my vacation so far has been everything it could possibly be;
and I’m rounding it out by heading back to the cottage tomorrow a.m. for a big fam jam and some relaxy time.*
Things are good.
I know I said I would use this post to talk about “when I grow up” me vs. “me now, partially grown up” but I gotta say I’m not feeling it. I predict it’s going to be a deep post that will make me über reflective and maybe a little sad (end of innocence and all that) and I just don’t feel like feeling that right now.
The flip side to that is I don’t really know what I do feel like feeling…but maybe I have an inkling of what’s on the tip of my tongue/fingers enough to get through a post. (And maybe it’s not so far off the “when I grow up” path.)
One of my friends mentioned last night that he’s taking some time to figure out what he wants to do and where he wants to live and I respect and appreciate t/his pause.
I think a bunch of people in my life right now are ready for and contemplating some pretty big changes. Life is real now (compared to the fantasy/fiction that is high school and university or teenage years and early twenties). Time is passing. Decisions that are important are possible (whereas in the fantasy days they were only dreams…or fantasies?). And I think me and many of my friends are just looking to one another to see how to proceed. To use what may be a terrible analogy, I feel like we’re standing at the top of a mountain (perhaps the mountain is the accumulation of our youth, degrees/diplomas, work experience, life experience) and we are waiting to see who starts their personal snowball’s roll down the other side.
I know two couples (maybe three) that are married, one just had a baby (my cousin), one is thinking of buying a house in another city; I know another that just bought a house and yet another that talks/thinks about it; I know folks who landed great jobs, or are steadily working ahead in the ones they’ve had for a while. I know many others, however, that are kind of just sitting at the top of the mountain enjoying the view—though more and more often they are looking at the way down and sighing (or sometimes looking back).
The mountain analogy works great cause there’s cliffs and peaks and valleys, steep inclines, sharp descents, good views, danger, joy, etc. What could have been terrible (as predicted) actually functions fairly well in terms of how I think of life at this moment.
I think I’m pretty well primed to start, or maybe continue my descent (I’ve completed about one full head-over-feet roll, maybe), I just don’t know if I’m ready for it keep on rolling. Kids, houses, careers, etc., keep on rolling, but I am used to and comfortable with sitting, plateauing, knowing that I live with relatively little risk (steady income + no assets + no dependents + pretty stable safety nets of friends/family will do that to you) and can stop and sit, taking in the view, at any time.
But maybe I keep going back to the conundrum of whether or not I’m ready for certain things because I’m waiting for the point where the attainment of those things will feel as steady and familiar as this feeling of sitting at the top? The things I think I want, the future I’m ready to start, however, will be a future comprised of snowball-rolling, not peak-sitting; it will not feel the same; I will not feel ready; yet I have to start the roll.
I have to admit, it’s been a while since I was scared to start/do something; a long fucking while. And though this is something to be immensely grateful for, it is also something that should encourage me and push me further—or at least get me rolling a little bit faster.
*Plus, I just painted my toes an amazing sparkly pink and it’s making my life right now (thanks to Mike’s sister for the polish).
