Another day, another…?
Ah, back at work, 18 minutes before my day “starts,” and here I am, writing to you. How lovely…but as usual, how without direction I am. But wait, maybe I have something.
The past few weeks I’ve been in the process of increasing my hours here at the old day job. An increase of eight hours was on the table, then some shit went down/details were revealed, and the hours almost as quickly started to slide off. Now some additional conversations have happened (as well as some meetings and emails and other discussions) and it looks like the eight hours will be added, starting next month, though for how long they’ll be available remains to be seen (this hopefully will be nailed down before I start!).
The ups and downs and backs and forths of this process rocked my boat. At first, I tried not to see the increased hours as a sure thing; then as soon as they became a little more concrete, I broke off my tutoring engagement (which I still stand by, though now with less conviction). Now I have been made to understand that rather than being a full school-year commitment, the increased hours might only be available until January (though again, the actual contractual commitment has yet to be set).
I broke off with my student a) because I planned to be working a “full” week at the day job, and so would be too tired/have no time to tutor b) because as a result of the former, I no longer needed the money and c) because I just didn’t want to do it anymore. Now it seems like “c” is the only for sure reason that remains. Essentially I feel a little dumb for having severed a relationship that now might still be possible (or even advisable). There is no bad blood between my student and I, but the professional relationship is severed. Completely. I shouldn’t disregard the importance of “c”, however, so this decision is still sound (it’s just no longer perfect…or until I receive confirmation that the eight hours will be guaranteed for eight months it isn’t).
That minor hiccup aside, this whole maybe/maybe not process set me to thinking (actually, over-thinking). What happens in eight months when the hours might be taken away? More recently, what happens in four months when this happens? What happens in a year, if our plans to get more business (and so more money…for me) don’t pan out? What about applying to that job posting…I could do that job—and it’s permanent full-time, not contract and part-time (even though my university technically considers my workweek equivalent to full-time…in dollars and cents it ain’t).
But that’s where my head was at: dollars and cents. I could be working more and making more, moving out and moving up. The dangling carrot promising the possibility of more (eight hours more) made me forget that what I presently have is enough. It won’t be enough forever, but it’s sustainable for now, with the promise for change ever-present. I, however, was not being present.
While the increase in hours still hangs in the balance (though all signs point to the increase coming through as of September 1st and lasting until at least January), I am trying to ground myself firmly in the present.
Without the added hours I’m fine; with the added hours I’m fine. In four, eight, twelve months, I’ll be fine. Tomorrow is tomorrow is the future and I can’t change that; I can and will look to it and plan for it, but I must do so from the present.
And so, I will be present.
