you discussed me

#tgif

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 19:17:05 -0500

#tgif

back ?

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 10:50:00 -0500

I had some good self-talk today. And it makes me think I should come back here. Ironically/terribly/sadly/gladly I’ll likely be taking up the same old same old as before (kids? jobs?), albeit with a bit of a different take—it’s two years later (more?). still no kids (some developments, though, which I may or may not share) and time again to find a new job.

Whereas before this was an exercise in writing that became (perhaps unconsciously) an exercise in self-exploration (therap-me) by accident, I think I’m coming back entirely (or hopefully) for the latter. So maybe if it wasn’t a form of therapy/counseling before, that’s what I’m looking for now.

I need to talk to me about me to suss out what it is I want and who it is I am (now/today), at yet another junction/juncture in my life. (I think that last slash/split is more about me not knowing which is the proper word to use, as opposed to creating a hip catch-all.)

As much as I’ve been here before, I haven’t been here before, and hopefully I’ll be able to explain what I mean by that over the next few weeks/months—assuming I come back for real… or at all.

For now (and this has to be it for now, because one small part of my coming back here right this second is about procrastinating [I should be applying for jobs]. Another part is about me needing an outlet for the caffeine mania that drinking coffee induces [I’m a newb to coffee drinking and believe me when I tell you: it is a drug!]), I want to say that I think, as a result of my self-talk this morning, I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I want, specifically in terms of a job, and I hope that I’m on to something, and that it’s something true and ultimately helpful.

Without turning this into a full-on post, but in the interest of getting it down before I forget, I think that I need to

unlearn the job hierarchy I’ve been socialized into seeing/believing (admin positions are lowly; ideas positions are to be coveted/celebrated; if you’re a smart cookie you should have [or want] the latter);

try to believe that there can be a balance between wanting it all/not wanting to be under-sold/under-valued, while still accepting that this (in the scope of my life and work) is still early days (aka just because I’m a sharp cookie, doesn’t mean that I’m not still a [relatively] new cookie);

really, truly interrogate my strengths and what makes me happy, so that I can value these things and find the best match for them;

be patient (but not be apathetic)

(confirm that I know what apathetic means);

explore more and other “lessons” (and more about the above).

I think this is a corner, or a mountain top, or a valley, or a plateau. I think it is something. Maybe something mundane (god I hope these “revelations” aren’t the EXACT same as the last time around*). Maybe something beautiful (as nature-y things can’t help but be, even as [only] metaphors). But I think it’s something.

* Don’t some people think life is a spiral, or a circle. Roundabout? Isn’t that better?

bohemea: Cutest Couple

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 20:58:21 -0500

bohemea:

Cutest Couple

iheartmyart: Gavin Worth, ”Morning Pose” - Steel wire and...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 20:45:35 -0500

iheartmyart:

Gavin Worth, ”Morning Pose” - Steel wire and maple, 22”x19”x5.5”, wire sculpture

Photo

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 20:37:30 -0500

Hey buddy, I think you missed your stop. (Taken with Instagram)

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 21:45:23 -0400

Hey buddy, I think you missed your stop. (Taken with Instagram)

Missed the bus. But I refuse to run. (Taken with Instagram)

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 07:06:08 -0400

Missed the bus. But I refuse to run. (Taken with Instagram)

So, where'm I at?

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:03:00 -0400

Yes, internet, an apt query.

Another: what happened to all of those posts where I was a super grateful, content tent? Or rather, what happened to all of those feelings?

Yet another: where will it end? (It being my new found lack of gratitude and its replacement: my wanting more and more and more.)

And finally: when will it begin? (It being my going for this more/life/everything.)

Everything is great right now. Awesome; couldn’t be better. But / unless / maybe…

Spit it out, you say? What am I really talking about, you ask? Well, to be honest, I’m mostly (okay totally) talking about work. My job. You know: the one that I agonized over finding a dozen or so months ago. The one that finally came. And then got better. And better again. Yes, that one; the very same.

What’s changed, you ask, to make me grow ungrateful and develop a wandering eye? Nothing, really. Nothing of consequence, anyway. But here I am. Feeling unfulfilled professionally.

Do I just need a problem? And when everything’s perfect, I make something up.

How do you become one of those people, all oily feathers, devil-may-care, carpe-ing the diem all over the place, come hell or high water?

How do I stop bean-counting?

Will I ever untangle personal investment/ fulfillment from the exchange of labour for wages? Putting my money where I’m always running my mouth?

Why isn’t there a book on what to expect when you’re expecting to start planning on expecting to expect?

Oh wait, I think I know the answer to that one: because everyone who’s ever asked that question stopped writing and started fucking instead.

How do I become one of those people?

I just fucking do.

suicideblonde: The book sculptures of Guy Laramee

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:44:19 -0500

suicideblonde:

The book sculptures of Guy Laramee

call it off make it true make it so i don’t cry foul go to work tell lies die alone suffer...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:13:46 -0500

call it off

make it true

make it so

i don’t

cry foul

go to work

tell lies

die alone

suffer company

suffer boredom

break down

get sick

get well

end well

it all ends

well

at least

it all ends

Photo

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:40:39 -0500

Photo

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:45:56 -0500

Photo

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 18:33:40 -0500

Resolutions

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 11:19:16 -0500

So here I am writing, after not being here writing for quite some time (which is evidence of a broken past resolution in itself… but one I considered heartily before breaking and broke for, I would argue, well informed and justified reasons [see this post if you don’t believe me]), and here I am writing about resolutions, which I used to keep like money in my pocket, but now don’t keep very well anymore (if 2011 is any example): I broke my “blog once/week” reso; and I also broke my “yoga once/week” reso—though for different, less justified reasons (primarily laziness).

I’ve kept the “no eating at McDonald’s” and “no shopping at Walmart” resos (though I did use Walmart’s photofinishing services one time… eep). And I’ve pretty well kept the “no new clothes, thrift only” reso (with the exception of some items, mostly purchased while on trips to the states, which I kind of see as outside the purview of this reso anyway).

I can’t remember other resos that I set (broken or kept) for 2011; the above were the mainstays.

Looking back over some of my blog posts for 2011 (which I abandoned when, mid-September? Earlier in the summer? No: Sept 5 (confirmed—see above link—which isn’t really that long ago… I almost kept that reso!), I can see that 2011 was a year of ups and downs… well 2010-2011 (say, August-March) was a tumultuous time, with me complaining about work and work and work. But then I got my current job, and though the complaining didn’t end completely, as things lined up more and more in my favour, my complaining did ebb. And now, aside from the commute (and potential shake-ups in the future [like 12 months from now-ish], and my confusion regarding my work’s mat leave allowances for contract employees [yes that bizness is still on my mind]), things are grand. Epically grand. Wonderful. Seriously. Honestly and truly.And actually, since that awesomeness started in April, 2011 was actually pretty great!

So now considering my 2011 posts, with the goal of planning my 2012 resolutions, I feel like I have a very open-ended place from which to start my list. The past several months have been so wonderful that it makes for a harder place from which to resolve (feel free to hate me for my bald love and gratuitous mentions of my recent luck and happiness).

So maybe I will set/continue some resolutions, but then also add some goals (my friend Laura suggested I try this… and I am intrigued). Resolutions as things I need to work hard to change/maintain; goals as things I need to strive to accomplish (is there a distinction there? I think so).

~~So I think I’ll stick w/ the no McD’s and WalM resos (even though they’re just part of me now).~~ No, they’re off the list, because they’re just part of me now. ~~Done~~. Resolved (see what I did there—blammo!).

Thrift clothes over new will stick, and I will not feel guilty if I bend this every now and then; merely having it on the list curbs my purchasing of new clothing items to a huge extent, so that’s enough!

Maintain a wii fit fitness routine. So far so good (as of Dec. 22, I’ve done so every day I’ve been home). I am not going to put any further bounds on this, as I think being flexible, even/especially in terms of thinking about it, will help me keep it up. (Mike’s doing it too, which also ups the “likely to keep it” anti.) And honestly, so far I haven’t been thinking of it as a chore, and it’s working (being off from work is surely helping this, but I’m optimistic I will keep it up).

Write more poetry/journaling. This, I think, will be my third and final reso. And it’s one I struggle to add and may decide to remove. I feel like I should write more, because I used to write more, not because I want to write more. On the other hand, writing more makes me want to write more, and then I write more. Duh. And I like what I write. And I like to re-read it eons later. So, yes, maybe I will do this. But again, flexibly and without timeline boundaries, so there’s no failure — but there’s also no churning it out just to churn it out. (And I must say, I’m enjoying blogging, so it’s possible doing more of this will help in the maintaining of this reso).

Now, onto the goals. I haven’t really thought much about these, and I’m eager to end this post and get on to the things that need to get done today (cooking! wii-ing! packing! barrie-ing!), so bear with me. And don’t expect much in the way of description/explanation. But I think most of what I’m about to brainstorm and list will congeal around a familiar theme (babies!):

Find and move to a new and bigger place (though one that’s hopefully not too much more expensive). If I (we!) can accomplish this before the end of 2012 (ideally in the late fall of 2012), we will have laid all the groundwork necessary for being ready to start (you know what). This past fall we got our family sedan and if I confirm my (fingers crossed available [but the more I think of it this morning, the more I wonder if that’s likely]) mat leave allowances, we are more than golden.

That’s kind of it. (I told you I hadn’t really thought about these!) Otherwise I’m pretty happy with how I’ve been living my life, the accomplishments I’ve achieved, and the direction I’m headed. And if it ain’t broke…

Photo

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:37:41 -0500

Maru

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:35:18 -0500

Maru

Photo

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 12:51:57 -0500

Photo

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:42:52 -0500

Photo

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:41:57 -0500

Photo

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:38:38 -0500